The Silent Struggle: Why You Sabotage Yourself & How to Stop

By Dorene Kyando

Self-sabotage is one of the most quiet and confusing struggles we face. It often whispers and talks us out of applying for the job we want, causes us to push away people who care, or keeps us procrastinating until the opportunity passes. We often don’t realize we’re doing it until we find ourselves stuck in the same patterns.  

So why do we do this to ourselves? And more importantly, how do we stop? 

What Is Self-Sabotage? 

Self-sabotage is when your actions (or lack of action) work against your goals, values, or best interests. It’s when something in you says yes to growth, but then you find yourself saying no in behavior. It’s the internal tug-of-war between what you say you want and what you believe you’re allowed to have. It happens because you’re refusing to consciously meet your innermost needs, not because you don’t want to, but because deep down, you may not believe you’re capable or worthy of handling them. 

It can look like: 

• Procrastinating on important tasks 

• Talking yourself out of trying, before you even start 

• Overcommitting, overthinking, or overindulging 

• Playing small because you’re afraid of being “too much” 

The Power of Self-Concept 

Your life is shaped not just by how you see the world, but by how you see yourself in it. 

You’ve spent your entire life crafting a self-concept — an identity formed by your experiences, beliefs, and the stories you’ve told yourself. If you’ve always believed that you’re only capable of making a certain amount of salary a year, or that you could never start your own business, then that belief becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’ll subconsciously make choices that keep you right where you are. 

What you believe about your life is what you will make true about your life. 

So, if you believe you can’t handle more —more love, more money, more visibility, you’ll keep yourself small. Not because you’re lazy or broken, but because you’re scared. 

Limiting Beliefs 

A limiting belief is a thought or state of mind that you think is the absolute truth and stops you from doing certain things. Your limiting beliefs may come from a desire to keep yourself safe. 

It’s essential to become aware of negative and false beliefs and shift to a mindset that truly serves you. Limiting beliefs can sound like: 

• “I’m not smart enough to do that.” 

• “People like me don’t get to be successful.” 

• “I’ll never be as good as them.” 

• “If I fail, everyone will see me as a fraud.”
   

These beliefs often form as a defense. They aim to protect you from disappointment, embarrassment, or rejection. But in protecting you from risk, they also block your potential. 

It’s time to become conscious of the beliefs that no longer serve you. 

Why We Sabotage Ourselves 

Fear of Failure (or Success) 

Failure is scary, but so is success. Success can raise expectations, make us more visible, and trigger feelings of impostor syndrome. Sabotage becomes a way to avoid that vulnerability. 

Low Self-Worth 

If deep down you don’t believe you deserve good things, you’ll find ways to block them. This belief often forms from early messages we’ve internalized — that we’re not enough, or too much, or somehow unworthy of peace and happiness. 

Familiarity with Chaos 

If you’ve grown up in instability, calm and consistency can feel unfamiliar, even unsafe. Sabotage becomes a way to recreate the emotional terrain you’ve known best. Humans are wired for familiarity, not necessarily happiness. So we cling to what’s known, even if it’s painful. We stay in jobs we’ve outgrown, relationships that don’t nurture us, and patterns that drain us — all because they feel familiar. Comfortable. Predictable. 

Perfectionism 

The belief that things must be done perfectly — or not at all — can keep you frozen in fear. It’s easier to never start than to risk doing it “wrong.” 

Emotional Avoidance 

Sabotage can help us avoid discomfort: disappointment, rejection, grief, and responsibility. But avoidance often costs more in the long run than the pain we’re trying to dodge. 

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging 

Catch the Pattern 

Start noticing when and how you sabotage. Is it right before progress? When you’re close to finishing something? 

Ask yourself: 

• What am I trying to protect myself from? 

• What belief is underneath this behavior? 

• What’s keeping me from doing what I truly want? 

• Do I have a fixed mindset, or am I open to growth? 

• How would I feel if I never even tried to pursue my biggest goals? 

• How does self-sabotage benefit me? (What does it protect me from?) 

• What would it look like to act like I believe I deserve good things? 

Challenge the Inner Critic 

Your inner critic may be loud, but it’s not always telling the truth. Learn to separate the critic from the coach. The critic shames; the coach guides.  

Use the technique: Catch it. Check it. Change it. 

• Catch the negative thought. 

• Check whether it’s true, kind, or helpful. 

• Change it to something more balanced. 

Example: 

“I’ll probably mess it up.” → “I might not get it perfect, but I can try and learn as I go.” 

Practice Self-Compassion 

You are not weak for struggling. You are human. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend who is scared but trying. Self-sabotage doesn’t need punishment — it needs understanding. 

Set Micro-Goals 

Overwhelm feeds sabotage. Break down goals into small, doable steps. Permit yourself to take imperfect action. 

Instead of: “I have to get it all done now.” 

Try: “What’s one small thing I can do today?” 

Final Thoughts 

Self-sabotage is not a personal failure. It’s a protective response that helped you survive, but it’s no longer helping you thrive. When you can compassionately examine your patterns, beliefs, and fears, you gain the power to rewrite the story. 

“No” is a full Sentence: The Art of Declining without Explaining

By Brianna Olley

Do you find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? Are you constantly stretched thin, unable to carve out time for yourself, your tasks, or your needs? If any of this resonates, it may be time to learn The Art of Declining Without Explaining.

The People-Pleasing Trap

People-pleasing often stems from a fear of rejection or the desire to be liked. You might worry that saying no will make others feel unloved or uncared for. But here’s the truth: You don’t need to sacrifice your emotional well-being to avoid disappointing others.

Sound familiar? You might be apologizing when no apology is needed, putting everyone else’s needs before your own—and all of this leaves you emotionally drained.

A Lesson in Emotional Boundaries

Think of people-pleasing like a credit card. Every time you neglect your own needs, it’s like swiping your card without a plan to pay it back. Over time, the emotional debt builds up, leaving you overwhelmed and exhausted.

It’s crucial to start paying attention to your emotional spending and learn to say no when you need to. Your mental health is your responsibility—just as important as your physical well-being.

Interactive Element: Boundary Check-In

Which of these statements resonate with you most?

1. “I say yes to avoid disappointing others.”
2. “I find it hard to say no to plans, even when I’m overwhelmed.”
3. “I put others’ needs ahead of my own too often.”

What’s one boundary you can set today to help you put yourself first?

How to Set Boundaries

1. Be Clear, But Polite
   Declining requests doesn’t mean being rude—it means being firm yet respectful. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish; it’s a necessary act of self-respect. If someone values you, they’ll respect your boundaries.
2. Know Your Boundaries
   There are several types of boundaries to consider:
   • Physical & Sexual Boundaries: Personal space and touch.
   • Emotional Boundaries: Protecting your energy. When you feel drained, your emotional boundaries may have been crossed.
   • Intellectual Boundaries: Being able to express your ideas in your safe space.
   • Time & Spiritual Boundaries: These impact your emotional well-being and can overlap with other boundaries.
     Recognizing these helps you identify when they’ve been violated.
3. Set Consequences
   Know what will happen if your boundaries are crossed. Having consequences in place ahead of time helps ensure you uphold your limits without feeling guilty.

The Art of Declining

1. Don’t Overexplain
   Avoid giving too many details. Overexplaining opens the door for manipulation and gives others a chance to convince you to change your mind.
2. Don’t Wait—Decline Now
   The longer you delay, the more guilt you may feel. Decline as soon as the opportunity arises—don’t wait to respond.
3. Be Selective
   Boundaries aren’t just for when you’re busy. Set them during your “me time” too. Be as selective as you need to be to protect your energy.

Do You Trust Yourself?

Do You Trust Yourself?
By Shavon Carter

Trust is often seen as something we give to others and is foundational to maintaining a long-lasting relationship. We trust our friends, families, colleagues, and even systems and institutions. But what do you do when the person you don’t trust is YOU? How do you maintain a relationship with yourself while experiencing feelings of betrayal, doubt, and lack of confidence that seem to haunt you daily?

Before we answer that question, let’s explore why self-trust is important.

The Importance of Self-Trust

Self-trust is not about believing you are always right or perfect, nor is it about having an unwavering belief in your abilities without room for growth or improvement. It’s about having faith in your capacity to handle challenges, learn from mistakes, and make decisions that align with your values and desires. It’s about creating an internal safe space that fosters self-compassion and kindness. If you’re reading this and saying to yourself, “I’m not there yet,” it’s okay. Knowing the importance of self-trust provides an opportunity to set goals for the type of relationship you want to have with yourself.

Now that you know the importance of self-trust, what does it look like when you don’t trust yourself?

When you don’t trust yourself, you may:

• Doubt your decisions and depend on validation from others
• Not advocate for yourself and your needs
• Exhibit low self-esteem and lack confidence in your abilities and choices
• Constantly judge and criticize yourself for your decisions
• Regret the decisions that you make
• Lack clear boundaries with people
• Stay busy to avoid uncomfortable thoughts and feelings

This is not an exhaustive list, but hopefully you get an idea of what the lack of self-trust could look like for you. It was probably never your intention to walk around not trusting yourself; however, it may feel like an automatic way of being that is as familiar and comfortable as a warm, cozy blanket on a cold winter day. The good news is that it doesn’t have to stay that way. It is possible to shift your beliefs about yourself and develop confidence within that is sustainable.

How can you build self-trust?

1. Be honest with yourself: A vital part of trusting yourself is acknowledging that the lack of trust in yourself exists. Many of us struggle with it, often due to past experiences where we failed to meet our expectations, or external voices told us we weren’t enough. Owning your truth and being honest about how you feel is okay.

2. Practice self-reflection: Instead of judging and criticizing yourself for how you got to this point, get curious about your actions, choices, and emotions to understand yourself better. For example, instead of ruminating on what you believe are “bad” relationship choices, ask yourself what contributed to those decisions. What were you feeling and what did you need that led to you choosing those individuals? What did you learn from those experiences, and what do you want now? The more you seek to understand yourself, the greater the opportunity to experience self-acceptance, extend grace, and increase trust.

3. Make small commitments to yourself: Start by setting small, achievable goals and follow through with them. Whether it’s getting to work on time, completing a task, or choosing a healthy meal option, keeping promises to yourself builds confidence and reinforces trust.

4. Set boundaries with others: – An essential aspect of self-trust is being able to advocate for your needs and well-being. Setting boundaries is a direct reflection of your trust in your judgment and awareness of what is healthy and necessary for your emotional, mental, and physical health.

5. Practice self-compassion: Trusting yourself means extending grace and kindness to yourself, especially when things don’t go as planned. Be patient with yourself, knowing you’re on a journey and that growth is not an overnight process.

When you trust yourself, you unlock the power to face life with courage, resilience, and the understanding that you have the strength to overcome no matter what happens. So, know that you’re worth putting forth the effort to build that trust. 

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