The Silent Struggle: Why You Sabotage Yourself & How to Stop
By Dorene Kyando
Self-sabotage is one of the most quiet and confusing struggles we face. It often whispers and talks us out of applying for the job we want, causes us to push away people who care, or keeps us procrastinating until the opportunity passes. We often don’t realize we’re doing it until we find ourselves stuck in the same patterns.
So why do we do this to ourselves? And more importantly, how do we stop?
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is when your actions (or lack of action) work against your goals, values, or best interests. It’s when something in you says yes to growth, but then you find yourself saying no in behavior. It’s the internal tug-of-war between what you say you want and what you believe you’re allowed to have. It happens because you’re refusing to consciously meet your innermost needs, not because you don’t want to, but because deep down, you may not believe you’re capable or worthy of handling them.
It can look like:
- Procrastinating on important tasks
- Talking yourself out of trying, before you even start
- Overcommitting, overthinking, or overindulging
- Playing small because you’re afraid of being “too much”
The Power of Self-Concept
Your life is shaped not just by how you see the world, but by how you see yourself in it.
You’ve spent your entire life crafting a self-concept — an identity formed by your experiences, beliefs, and the stories you’ve told yourself. If you’ve always believed that you’re only capable of making a certain amount of salary a year, or that you could never start your own business, then that belief becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’ll subconsciously make choices that keep you right where you are.
What you believe about your life is what you will make true about your life.
So, if you believe you can’t handle more —more love, more money, more visibility, you’ll keep yourself small. Not because you’re lazy or broken, but because you’re scared.
Limiting Beliefs
A limiting belief is a thought or state of mind that you think is the absolute truth and stops you from doing certain things. Your limiting beliefs may come from a desire to keep yourself safe.
It’s essential to become aware of negative and false beliefs and shift to a mindset that truly serves you. Limiting beliefs can sound like:
- “I’m not smart enough to do that.”
- “People like me don’t get to be successful.”
- “I’ll never be as good as them.”
- “If I fail, everyone will see me as a fraud.”
These beliefs often form as a defense. They aim to protect you from disappointment, embarrassment, or rejection. But in protecting you from risk, they also block your potential.
It’s time to become conscious of the beliefs that no longer serve you.
Why We Sabotage Ourselves
Fear of Failure (or Success)
Failure is scary, but so is success. Success can raise expectations, make us more visible, and trigger feelings of impostor syndrome. Sabotage becomes a way to avoid that vulnerability.
Low Self-Worth
If deep down you don’t believe you deserve good things, you’ll find ways to block them. This belief often forms from early messages we’ve internalized — that we’re not enough, or too much, or somehow unworthy of peace and happiness.
Familiarity with Chaos
If you’ve grown up in instability, calm and consistency can feel unfamiliar, even unsafe. Sabotage becomes a way to recreate the emotional terrain you’ve known best. Humans are wired for familiarity, not necessarily happiness. So we cling to what’s known, even if it’s painful. We stay in jobs we’ve outgrown, relationships that don’t nurture us, and patterns that drain us — all because they feel familiar. Comfortable. Predictable.
Perfectionism
The belief that things must be done perfectly — or not at all — can keep you frozen in fear. It’s easier to never start than to risk doing it “wrong.”
Emotional Avoidance
Sabotage can help us avoid discomfort: disappointment, rejection, grief, and responsibility. But avoidance often costs more in the long run than the pain we’re trying to dodge.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging
Catch the Pattern
Start noticing when and how you sabotage. Is it right before progress? When you’re close to finishing something?
Ask yourself:
- What am I trying to protect myself from?
- What belief is underneath this behavior?
- What’s keeping me from doing what I truly want?
- Do I have a fixed mindset, or am I open to growth?
- How would I feel if I never even tried to pursue my biggest goals?
- How does self-sabotage benefit me? (What does it protect me from?)
- What would it look like to act like I believe I deserve good things?
Challenge the Inner Critic
Your inner critic may be loud, but it’s not always telling the truth. Learn to separate the critic from the coach. The critic shames; the coach guides.
Use the technique: Catch it. Check it. Change it.
- Catch the negative thought.
- Check whether it’s true, kind, or helpful.
- Change it to something more balanced.
Example:
“I’ll probably mess it up.” → “I might not get it perfect, but I can try and learn as I go.”
Practice Self-Compassion
You are not weak for struggling. You are human. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend who is scared but trying. Self-sabotage doesn’t need punishment — it needs understanding.
Set Micro-Goals
Overwhelm feeds sabotage. Break down goals into small, doable steps. Permit yourself to take imperfect action.
Instead of: “I have to get it all done now.”
Try: “What’s one small thing I can do today?”
Final Thoughts
Self-sabotage is not a personal failure. It’s a protective response that helped you survive, but it’s no longer helping you thrive. When you can compassionately examine your patterns, beliefs, and fears, you gain the power to rewrite the story.
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